30 days of truth: day one

i saw my dear friend amber doing this, and based on some of the questions i have to say that she is very brave to attempt it!  so i decided that i would try to be brave, too.  not only that, but it's a great writing exercise really, i hope it will get me back into blogging more frequently like i did a few years ago.  

day one:  something you hate about yourself.

this is probably going to sound very strange.  i admit it right now.  but honestly, i am just genuinely a nice person. i really am.  i don't like to hurt peoples feeling.  i don't like to start fights.  i don't like to cause trouble.  you'd think that would make you a desirable human being, that these traits would be valued.  i've learned more in my adult life that these niceties cause me to get trampled on more than they help me out.

one of my co-workers at papa john's would always tell me that she didn't understand how i could stay so calm and sound so nice to the people that i talked to on the phone, knowing that these people are total jerk, have cussed at me, yelled at me and basically called me stupid when they are the ones that can't understand how coupons work or do some simple math every now and then.  she told me that someday she thought i would just explode.

and sometimes i feel like that.

i guess i did have one total explosive meltdown.  only one, though.  mandy claims she thought i was going to throw a lamp that was quite near to me.  it's horrible that a person could push you to that amount of rage while being entirely aware of how mean, bitchy and inconsiderate they're being.  (please don't ask about this story, it still makes me really angry to think about it.)

i can show my emotions to the people closest to me, but when it comes to standing up for myself in some sort of public arena, like at work, i can't do it.  i don't want to cause a scene.  in fact, the closest i've come to defending myself and explaining to someone how they treated me was wrong was when i quit at claire's.  i got everything out of my system, that i felt i was treated unfairly and that as long as i'd been there and as hard as i worked that i deserved better than what i was getting.  i got my point across, still in a pretty calm nice-person way.

and then i felt horrible about it, because i'd hurt my managers feeling.  logic told me that i didn't have anything to feel bad about, but i couldn't help it.  and i hate that feeling.  i get tired of feeling it.

i haven't worked in almost a week at spencer's.  i could have stayed longer at papa john's, but i couldn't bring myself to tell anybody that i just hated my job and wanted to get out of there as fast as i could.  i didn't want them to think i felt i was too good for their job, so i just put in my weeks notice so i could just have a break.

so i guess it's not that i'm a nice person, i hate that it gets in the way of me standing up for myself when i really need to.  i just don't know how you can really work on that kind of problem.  

short of practicing being a bitch, i guess.

i can imagine myself practicing bitching myself out in the mirror.  i giggled a little bit.  even i know that is never gonna happen.

peace.