this scale, yo.

i know i just gave you guys the 'scale doesn't matter, i'm awesome' spiel, but. . .

DAMN THIS POUND STRAIGHT TO HELL.

i've been gaining and losing the same pound for the last month, i swear i hate it.  if this pound had a face i would punch it.  then maybe put some cement shoes on it and throw it in the river.

part of my problem (and i'm not blaming him at all because i know he's gonna read this) is that my favorite dude has way more points than me and can eat a lot more at a time and can have a larger variety of food.  the other part of my problem is that i have little self control over when it comes to things i really want to eat.  which sometimes means that if we have a particularly delicious dinner that is healthier than usual, i go for a second helping without feeling bad even if i don't have the points.  then later i feel guilty because even though the food we made was a way better choice than it used to be, i still didn't need that much and just ate it because it was good.  

another problem is snacks.  we have pretty healthy snacks.  we got a big ol' box of fiber one brownies at sams's (3 pts) and a big ol' box of crunch honey oat bars (2 in a pack, 5 pts for both) and string cheese (1.5 pts each).  not too bad.  so if i feel snacky i go grab one of those. . .or a brownie and a string cheese. . .or a pack of granola bars and a string cheese. . .or maybe a brownie and an apple and two string cheeses. . .

why can't i just grab one!?  one just doesn't seem like enough in my mind, and when we first started all this, one was plenty!

in my mind i want to just say 'no snacks, just fruit!'.  but i can't because chris *can* have snacks and it's not fair to him to get rid of them because i can't control myself with them.  there are some things (like cereal) that are point-y but chris has the points to have it and if i want cereal it's a big deal (60 pts vs 39 pts).  it's hard that we're so far apart on the food scale but we have to eat the same snacks and meals.  

sometimes i'm a little jealous that chris can eat more. . .and that feeling makes me want more food!!

i don't think you ever actually stop being an emotional eater (which i definitely am), you just have to learn to cope with it.

hopefully one i get on days at work i'll at least have a better food schedule.  it's really had for me to start my day as far as points go.  i don't know if i should start when i get home from work or when i wake up, but sometimes i go right to sleep and sometimes i stay up and it's just this really weird schedule and sometimes i've been running all over walmart for eight hours and i'm just so hungry. . .grr.  i hate it.

but just because i'm mad doesn't mean i'm discouraged!  i've done fifty pound, i can do more!

plus i have a super hero on my side!

(i know i just complained about him, but he tries to keep me on track.) 

peace.

oh blogger.

been having so much trouble with school lately.

apparently i missed the end of class.  i don't even know how.  i was just doing class stuff a few days ago and didn't even realize the class was almost over.

i'm going to go on a bleeding artist rant for a moment.

i hate this school now.  not the school really, but trying to become some sort of professional artist has actually made me *hate* art.  i hate it.  i haven't drawn or painted for myself in months (and enjoyed it, anyway), and the things i've produced for classes i find to be below my standards, like, i know i could do better but all i can think the whole time i'm making them is about how miserable i am, how this degree isn't gonna get me a good job and that i'll be a college graduate still working at walmart.  D:

i'm trying to switch schools, which my current school wants nothing to do with and can only think about my government money that they're gonna lose, and i'm still waiting to hear back from the other school i've spoken too.  i'm still gonna do some research though before i pick one, i've requested to not take a class this session so that i have time to think things through and look around.  

for those interested, i want to study elementary education and possibly take my art-y knowledge in the direction of being an art teacher.  i learned to love art as a child and would love to be able to teach other children to love it as well.  i never thought i would like to work with kids, but when it comes to this i'm pretty stoked about it.  

not to mention that an education career is a little more stable than that of an artist, plus i could always do my art-ing on the side and learn to enjoy it again.

so that's my serious rant.

here's a kitty to make you feel better.

peace.